This past month has been a bit of a downer filled with challenges and not so great happenings. As a result I am constantly seeing myself involved in negative talks with my ownself. And when I have beaten myself hollow with my own verbal abuse and self loathing I stop for a moment to feel sad about the inner me. Inner me who has been badgered and bruised by my own lack of love for myself. Inner me who wants to feel appreciated by me but is always told how undeserving “she” is. Inner me who is connected to my soul but feels so neglected because it doesn’t match up to certain ” impossible standards” I have set for her. Sometimes I feel so disconnected with my inner me that can you imagine the loneliness of this inner me.
Why am I writing about this. I don’t know.. maybe for my ownself cos I want to have a dialogue with my inner me. I want to tell her that I am so proud of her despite whatever my mind thinks and that its my shortcoming that I am not able to give her as much love as she deserves. I am blind enough to not see the magic that she brings to my life cos I am measuring her on parameters that are just as mindless and baseless as Kanye’s tweets.
This Blog is my therapy and also somewhere on the side I want to address this issue of mental health that is still considered a taboo. I am not saying I have depression because that is a very strong word to use but all of us at some point of time feel a little disconnected and lonely. I know many of you will think why talk about such things in open and might be uncomfortable to talk on issues like these cos hello who wants to be around people who are sad. But trust me its not to bring down the mood, rather to cultivate awareness so that silences are less uncomfortable and conversations are more encouraged.
Past few years I have met so many people who seem so much fun on the exterior but once you get to know them you can feel the quiet suffering that reverberates just below the surface. Each one has a battle of their own. Quietly suffering but doing everything possible to get through the day or their life. Is everyone like that? No, some are stronger to shut that negative voice and do not encourage such defeatist conversations with their own selves but some just get caught in this pessimistic behaviour. Mostly women I have observed or may be because they are more likely to express themselves and men find it extremely difficult to show their vulnerability. I was blown away by the number of depression cases in India. Over 5 crore people suffer from it but are all these 5 cr people getting help?? What is the cause I think- Is it a lack of purpose , not feeling fulfilled, or the fast paces of our empty lives or just boredom of mundanity. What is the solution – well no one knows for sure but a happy healthy mental dialogue with oneself might just help in my opinion and a little bit of empathy from others NOT sympathy.
Recently my friend asked me what according to me is the difference between being selfish and self loving and I said one comes from a very negative space and the other comes from a very positive space. One is inwards and other is outwards. Being selfish is all about your ownself and will never give happiness whereas giving self love is soul food that is going to make you so happy that you will be able to spread that happiness to others. Self love is a means for survival. This Self love is that magical healthy dialogue that one needs to practice constantly with oneself. It is easier said than done. It needs so much practice. Trust me when I say that because I constantly fail at it but I try. Sometimes help might come from outside in form of friends.
Sadness is a very normal human emotion. All we need to do is show up for the ones we love especially when they are having a hard time showing up for themselves. Not with dialogues like lets go and party , why are you sad – go do yoga or meditate. No just show up and say I understand.. I am here for you. Let me know if you need me and NO I am not saying you have to solve there problems you just have to be there and maybe sit next to them and make them believe that it is ok to be sad , to feel low, to grieve , to fall of the wagon cos you are not judging and you love them unconditionally. Sometimes that’s all that they need. So next time that cool friend of yours is acting a little wonked, try not to judge but just sit next to them and maybe hold their hands and look at the stars and laugh at something silly.
I am not even sure if people read blogs anymore but even if one person resonates with this idea, it will make me so happy. Am I feeling better? Yeah maybe a little and tomorrow I will not feel like getting out of the bed is the most painful task in this world.If you reached till here, thank u for sticking around and reading my post.
Sending love to all who are feeling low or struggling with issues right now